Not What I Expected

By : Deepa Radhakrishnan, Baltimore,  USA

My life has a dullness now, not like the happy times of my youth  But like a cloth that has been washed too many times  or like a silent gray moth that flutters with tuneless rhythm.  This is not what I expected.  I'd thought I'd be happy now like a bird that flies so high...  With no cares, no worries...but life has taken my youth  which I can remember just like yesterday  But it seems as though between yesterday and today years have passed me by.  I didn't know I'd be lying to the world, my emotions on an edge as thin as air  yet hanging balanced between being sane and being not.  My inner fears of being someone I'm not.  I am living my fears in the flesh yet...  Not.  I had not expected this.  This violent turmoil building inside me,  the mistrust permeating the air around me.  The hatred I feel for life because I cannot control my own life because life controls all life  And blames it on fate.  I had expected to be halfway through my dreams and goals.  Not wandering about with adult problems and adult worries of never being able to be myself.  but my self older wiser and restricted by life.  I had not expected this.  I had not expected to feel as if half my life is over  Like an ageless flute that’s tune is not quite right...  I had not expected this,  this loneliness,  this feeling of being rejected by the world.  Nothing ever like this.  Nothing quite like this  I am only 16 years old.

 

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